Your relationship may be losing trust and you wouldn't know it yet.
It's rarely the big things. It's the small promise that slipped, the half-truth about why you were late, the way you nod along while looking at your phone. Each one seems too small to matter, and that's why it's so easy to miss.
That also tells you what to do. If trust leaks away through small things, it can also be built with small things. It's less a feeling you either have or lack than a skill, practised through ordinary choices. Here are twelve ways to build trust in a relationship, what the research says about them, and when to stop trying, because there are times when you should.
What trust actually is
In a classic piece of research on couples, psychologists described trust as having three parts. First comes predictability: you know what your partner is likely to do. Then dependability: you believe you can rely on them when it counts. Last comes faith, the part that goes beyond the evidence, the confidence that they'll be there in a future you can't see yet.
That's why it can't be rushed. You get to faith by way of a long run of ordinary evidence.
Another line of research shows how that evidence builds on itself. When one partner gives up something for the good of the relationship, and the other notices, the second partner's trust grows. Greater trust makes them more willing to depend on the relationship, and that deepens their commitment too. So the small sacrifice works best when it's seen, and it goes round in a circle.
So when your partner does something for the good of the two of you, say that you saw it. It keeps the circle going, and it costs you one sentence.
You may have read that all this comes down to oxytocin, "the trust hormone". An early experiment made it famous, but a critical review later concluded that the evidence doesn't reliably link oxytocin to human trust. There's no spray for this.
It helps to be a little generous, too. In a year-long study of dating couples, those who saw each other in more idealised ways than the facts alone would suggest tended to last, and they grew more satisfied. They even came to share their partner's rosy view of them. The authors called it more prescient than blind. Love may be less blind than it looks.
That also gives you a useful test. Someone pressing for complete trust and commitment in the first few weeks is asking you to skip the evidence. Love Bombing in Relationships: How to Recognize and Stop Emotional Manipulation has what that can look like.
1. Tell the truth, kindly
You may be less truthful than you think. In diaries of their own lies, college students owned up to about two a day and community members to about one. They didn't regard these as serious, and they didn't worry much about being caught. But the conversations in which they lied were less pleasant than the ones in which they didn't. So the small lie has a small cost, every time.
Imagine you're running late for dinner with your partner. You could say the traffic was awful. Or you could say, "I lost track of time watching TV." It's a tiny moment, and it's the kind that adds up.
If that makes you nervous, here's something reassuring. In experiments, volunteers were asked to be completely honest in every conversation for three days. Others just imagined doing it. Those who imagined it expected it to go badly. Those who did it found it more pleasant and more connecting than expected, and it did less damage to their relationships than they had predicted.
Honest doesn't mean brutal. "I need to tell you something that might be hard to hear, but I think we're strong enough for it" is a good way in. teaches how to raise a sensitive subject without damaging the relationship.
It also helps to know the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is what belongs to you: your own thoughts, your history, some time alone to work out how you feel. Secrecy is hiding what affects your partner. Having lunch with a friend is private. Having lunch with an ex and leaving it out is secret. You have a right to the first.
2. Keep your small promises
Be careful with casual commitments. "I'll call you later" counts. "We should do that this weekend" counts. Every kept promise adds to the evidence, and every broken one teaches your partner that your word is only a word.
So promise less, and do what you said. And when plans change, say so before they find out. "I know I promised to cook tonight, but something came up at work and I'll be two hours late. Shall I pick up something from that place you like?" That way, the promise bends and the trust doesn't.
Trustworthy people are pleasantly predictable. They remember what mattered to you. They're the same person when they're tired, stressed or in company. None of that makes for a good film, and all of it makes for a good life.
3. Listen, and own your feelings
In your next disagreement about the housework, try listening before you defend yourself. Ask a question, and reflect back what you heard before you reply. It tells your partner that what they think matters to you. 7 Communication Tips for Your Relationship has the small daily bids for attention that couples turn towards or away from.
Then watch how you describe your own feelings. "I'm feeling jealous" is different from "You're making me jealous". "I'm overwhelmed and need some space" is different from "You're being too demanding". The first of each pair opens a conversation, and the second starts a defence.
Share gradually. There's a long way between "I've been feeling insecure, and I'd like to talk about it" and a meltdown because they laughed with a colleague.
4. Sort out the phones
This tends not to come up until there's a problem. Someone is still liking an ex's photos. Someone is texting through dinner. Someone finds a dating app that was only "just to see". You don't want to end up like Ross and Rachel, arguing over whether you were on a break, when the real trouble is that you never agreed what counted.
There's a word for snubbing your partner with your phone, "phubbing". The word itself began as an advertising campaign. In 2012, for a dictionary's experiment, an agency invited lexicographers, authors and poets to coin a word for the behaviour, and it was the one that stuck. It isn't a pretty word, which seems right. In surveys of American adults, those who felt phubbed more often reported more conflict over phones and less satisfaction with the relationship. It's a link, but it's an easy one to test at home.
Talk it through before anything goes wrong. How do you each handle messages from exes? What do you share online? Some couples share passwords and others don't, and either can work, as long as you've both agreed. Then keep meals and the bedroom free of phones, or at least decide what your version is.
"Trust, but verify" is a Russian proverb that Suzanne Massie, a scholar of Russian history, taught to Ronald Reagan, who then used it in nuclear talks with the Soviet Union. It's a sound rule for arms treaties. In a marriage, the second half tends to cancel the first.
Checking also feeds itself. In a study of Facebook and jealousy, more time on the site predicted more jealousy. The authors suggest a loop: you see something ambiguous about your partner, it worries you, so you go back to look for more.
If something is worrying you, ask before you go looking. "You've seemed distant lately, and I've been wondering if something's wrong" is a question. Going through their phone at night is an answer you've already decided on, and it costs you something even when you find nothing.
Watch for a sudden change, too. New passwords, deleted conversations, and getting defensive over a simple question are worth a calm talk.
5. Be straight about money
Money is where secrets get expensive. In a 2018 American survey, 41% of adults who combined their finances with a partner admitted to deceiving them about money, and three in four adults said financial deceit had affected their relationships in some way.
It's also a fight that matters. In a study following more than 4,500 couples, arguments about money were the strongest predictor of divorce among the kinds of argument studied, whatever a couple's income or wealth. It may be that money fights stand in for something else, such as who has the power.
So tell them about the debt, before they find it, because money leaves a trail, and the cover-up is harder to forgive than the debt. Agree on a sum above which you talk before you spend. There's no right answer on joint or separate accounts, so long as you've both chosen it. A broken washing machine is one thing, and a surprise motorbike is another.
6. Say where the lines are
Boundaries aren't walls. They're more like property lines, which show where each of you stands. Present them as information about you and not as a verdict on your partner. "I need notice for social plans, because last-minute changes stress me out" lands differently from "You're so inconsiderate". 5 Types of Boundaries for Healthier, Happier Relationships, linked below, has why it's so hard to say no, and how to do it.
Then keep to them, gently. Boundaries without enforcement are suggestions.
7. Fight on the same side
How you fight reaches your skin. In a study of 42 married couples, researchers made small blister wounds on each person's arm and then watched them heal, once after a supportive talk and once after a disagreement. The wounds healed more slowly after the disagreement. Couples who were consistently hostile healed at 60% of the rate of the others.
You're two different people, so you will disagree. It's you two against the problem, not you against each other. "Help me understand why this matters to you" opens a door, and "That's ridiculous" closes it.
When it's getting heated, take a break and say so. "I care about sorting this out, but I need twenty minutes to calm down." Then come back, as you said you would, because that's another kept promise. Why Conflict Escalates in Relationships Even When Both People Want It to Stop has what's going on in your body by then. John Gottman's has his approach to working through it, drawn from years of studying couples.
Powerful Strategies to Let Go of Grudges and Find Inner Peace has a small thing that helped couples: seven minutes of writing about their latest row as a neutral observer, three times over a year.
8. Show up when it's hard
Being supportive is easy when life goes well. Stay when it's messy. Check in. Offer something specific, not "let me know if you need anything". And ask, "What do you need from me right now?" before you start fixing.
Here's something unexpected. In a diary study of couples, a lot of the support that one partner reported giving wasn't noticed by the other. And that unnoticed support was the kind linked to better adjustment during a major stress. So some of the best help may be the bin that's already gone out, with no speech attached. Try not to mention it later.
Sue Johnson's has what to say when one of you needs the other.
Look after yourself as well. You can't keep showing up if you're running on empty, so get support of your own.
9. Show up when it's good
This is the one that often gets left out. Researchers filmed couples talking through recent good and bad events, and followed them up two months later. How partners responded to good news was more closely tied to the relationship's health, and to whether it broke up, than their response to bad news.
So when they come home with good news, put the phone down and ask about it. Ask for the whole story. It only takes a minute, and it tells them you're on their side when there's nothing wrong at all.
10. Apologise properly
You'll make mistakes, so what you do next counts. Say what you did, without explanations. "I broke my promise, and I understand why you're hurt. I was wrong." Then stop talking, and let them respond. Ask how it affected them, and listen without defending yourself.
Then change the behaviour, because the apology is only the receipt.
Powerful Strategies to Let Go of Grudges and Find Inner Peace, linked below, has what a good apology contains.
Not all broken trust is the same, either. In a set of experiments on trust in a hiring setting, an apology repaired trust better after a failure of competence, and a denial did better after an accusation of dishonesty, if there was evidence of innocence. Where the person was actually guilty, apology did better. So don't deny what you did. And know that being unreliable and being dishonest are different wounds.
11. Know what you brought with you
You didn't start learning about trust with this relationship. If an ex withdrew affection as punishment, a quiet evening may feel like a threat today. If a parent had affairs, a colleague's name may set off an alarm.
Work out what sets you off, and tell your partner. It isn't so that they can tiptoe around you, but so that they can tell when your reaction belongs to your history and not to them. And the opposite goes for checking their phone or setting little tests. It may once have made sense, but it can damage something healthy. If it's taking over, a qualified professional can give you what an article can't.
When you need to raise it, keep to three parts: what happened, what you felt, and what you need. "When you said you'd call and didn't, I felt forgotten, and I'd like you to tell me if plans change." It's hard to argue with, and it gives them something to do.
12. Rebuild slowly, if you choose to
After a real betrayal, an affair, a financial lie, there's no short cut. The person who broke trust has to do the unglamorous part for months and years: full responsibility, no excuses, more openness than feels comfortable, and no complaining about the pace. How long you need isn't for them to decide. The hurt person has to be willing to risk it again, and that's a lot to ask.
It can work. In a small study of couples in therapy, those who had revealed an affair began more distressed than the others, and improved more. That was only 19 couples, so take it as a reason for hope and not as a promise.
Rebuilding isn't compulsory, though. And none of this applies if someone is controlling you, frightening you or hurting you. There, trust isn't the problem, and doing more of these twelve things won't help. Recognized Relationship Red Flags? What to Do Next is a good first read, and if you're in danger, call the emergency services or a local helpline.
If only one of you is trying
You can only keep your own promises. Doing your part still counts, because it's the evidence that shows whether anything can change, and it may start the circle turning. But give it a limit. Say plainly what you need, and judge by what they do over the following months, not by what they say. If nothing moves, that's information too.
Keeping it
Trust isn't a job you finish. Set aside a regular time to ask how you're both doing, what's working and what isn't, while nothing is on fire.
Three questions will do. What's been good lately? What's been hard? What would help this week? Keep it short and don't save up your list. People change, and so do jobs, children and health, so what you agreed five years ago may need another look.
And go on growing, separately and together. It's easier to trust someone who's still interested in their own life.
This week, pick the smallest promise you've made to your partner and keep it, on time, without mentioning it. Then do the same next week.
Finding it hard to say no? 5 Types of Boundaries for Healthier, Happier Relationships — the five kinds, why saying no feels so risky, and how to hold the line.
Still carrying the last betrayal? Powerful Strategies to Let Go of Grudges and Find Inner Peace — what a grudge costs, when forgiving is the wrong move, and what a real apology has.
Know someone whose partner always says "I'll call you later"? Send them this, and hope for a call.
Disclaimer: This article is general information. For advice about your own health, talk to a qualified health professional. If someone is threatening or hurting you, contact the emergency services or a local support line.
Affiliate Disclosure: This article contains affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, All For Life earns from qualifying purchases, at no extra cost to you. We only link to products we would recommend without the commission.
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