Who do you still argue with in the shower? It might be someone who hasn't given you a thought in ten years. They've moved on, and you're still preparing your closing statement.
A grudge feels like a shield. It seems to protect you from being hurt the same way twice. Often it behaves more like a chain, dragging you back to the same scene again and again. So here is what a grudge does, why revenge tends to disappoint, and seven ways to let go of a grudge and find some peace. There's also something the usual lists leave out, which is when forgiving is the wrong thing to do.
Why you're holding it
The word itself is a complaint. "Grudge" comes through Middle English from an Old French verb, grouchier, to murmur or grumble, and it probably began as an imitation of the sound. So a grudge is what it sounds like: a low noise that doesn't stop.
It isn't stupid, though. It's a record of what happened, kept so that it can't happen to you again, and that job is real. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting or saying it was fine. It means you stop paying rent on the memory.
Two people, two stories
Here's a finding worth sitting with. Researchers asked people to write about a time someone had angered them, and a time they had angered someone else.
The stories came out differently. As the injured party, people described something arbitrary and hard to understand, with lasting harm that was still going on. As the one who did it, the same people described something understandable, a closed and isolated incident with no lasting effects.
They weren't lying in either version. That's what makes it so annoying. So the person you resent may honestly remember a smaller event than you do, and that may be why the apology you're waiting for hasn't come. It doesn't make them right. It does mean you may be waiting for a long time.
What it costs you
Releasing Anger: Letting Go of the Burning Coal, linked below, has the lab test in which nursing a grudge raised people's heart rate and blood pressure, and why "resent" means to feel again.
Over a lifetime, it's harder to say. Among 1,232 older Americans, those who would forgive others only on certain conditions were more likely to die in the years that followed, and physical health seemed to explain part of that. It's only a link, and bad health may make forgiving harder too. But it's a reason to look at the bill.
For the long version, take the Hatfields and the McCoys, the American families whose feud ran from 1863 to 1891. One of its flashpoints was an argument over who owned a hog. A witness in that case was later killed. It took until 2003 for descendants of the two families to sign a formal truce, 112 years after the feud ended.
Revenge doesn't deliver
Then there's the other way out, which is getting your own back. We tend to expect it to feel wonderful.
Across three studies, it didn't work out that way. People given the chance to punish an offender kept thinking about that offender, and it did them no good. Those denied the chance thought about the offender less, and moved on. Watching someone else do the punishing was also a different experience from doing it, and people didn't predict the difference. The revenge fantasy is better than the revenge.
1. Name it
You can't put down what you won't look at. Write it out: what happened, what it cost you, and what you wish had been said. It's for your eyes only. If you want to, write it as a letter to them, say everything, and then don't send it. Sending it is a separate decision, and it's best made another day.
Then tell one trusted friend, once. A friend can help you see it clearly. A campaign won't. Releasing Anger has why the old idea of letting it all out tends to make anger worse.
And pick your moment. Releasing Anger has the test in which short sleep made people angrier and slower to settle, so don't make big decisions about this person at the end of a bad night.
2. Try the other story
This is the hard one, because all you can see is how you were wronged. So ask what might have been going on for them. What were they afraid of? What did they think they were doing? How would they tell it?
You're not agreeing with them. You're only checking whether they're a monster or a person who did something bad to you, because the second is easier to stop thinking about.
It works on smaller fights too. In a study of 120 couples, half spent seven minutes, three times over a year, writing about their latest disagreement as a neutral observer who wanted the best for both of them. Both groups had been losing marital satisfaction in the first year. In the second, that decline stopped in the couples who did the writing, though they argued just as often. Same fights, less damage.
3. Forgive, if you choose to
Forgiving isn't excusing, and it isn't making up. You can forgive someone you'll never speak to again, and you don't have to tell them. It's a decision about how much room they get in your head. Most of them moved out years ago.
The hardest example on record may be West Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania, in 2006. A gunman shot ten Amish schoolgirls, killing five that day, with a sixth dying of her injuries in 2024, and then shot himself. Within hours an Amish neighbour went to comfort the gunman's family and offered forgiveness, and one Amish man held the killer's sobbing father in his arms. It's their faith and their choice, and you don't owe anyone the same. But it shows what the word can mean.
Nelson Mandela served 27 years in prison. When he became president, he invited James Gregory, one of his prison guards, to his inauguration. How close the two really were is disputed, but the invitation is on record, and so is the point. He didn't owe it to anyone, and he chose it.
It can also be learned. Across trials of forgiveness programmes, people forgave more than those given no treatment, and they had greater improvements in depression, anxiety and hope. Longer programmes did more. And in a trial with university students, a six-hour workbook they did on their own worked at least as well as the same method taught in therapy groups.
That method, REACH, comes from Everett Worthington. Recall the hurt, without blaming. Empathise, by trying the other story. Altruistic gift: remember a time you were forgiven, and offer the same. Commit to it, by writing it down. Hold on to it when the memory comes back, because it will.
Worthington had just finished a book on forgiveness when, in 1996, his mother was murdered in her home. That night he lay awake with rage, replaying the scene in the house. He noticed he had got through the whole day without allowing himself to think the word "forgive", and he asked himself who he had written the book for. So he tried it on himself.
Take it slowly. It doesn't have to happen all at once, and it may not happen at all. Fred Luskin's is a practical guide if you want to work through it yourself.
When forgiving is the wrong move
Most lists stop at "forgive". The research doesn't.
In a series of studies on what's been called the doormat effect, forgiving a partner built self-respect when that partner had made amends and shown that the other person was safe and valued. When they hadn't, forgiving ate away at self-respect.
Another study followed newlyweds for four years. Spouses who were less forgiving saw psychological and physical aggression from their partners decline over time. For the more forgiving ones it stayed where it was. It's only one study, but the author's conclusion is that forgiveness is no cure-all.
The same trade-off shows up on a much larger scale. In Sierra Leone after the civil war, researchers tested community reconciliation forums, where victims told their stories and perpetrators confessed. Those villages ended up with more forgiveness, larger social networks and more cooperation. They also ended up with more depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress, and both effects were still there 31 months later. Forgiving can help the group and still cost the person doing it.
So forgiveness isn't owed. If someone has hurt you and carries on, what you need is distance and help, not a better attitude. If you're dealing with violence or abuse, your safety comes first, and no article should talk you out of your anger.
4. Get out of the replay
Replaying it can pass for thinking it through. Usually it's just another showing. When you catch yourself in the scene, come back to what you're doing: the street, the job in your hands, the person talking to you. You'll have to do it a lot, and that's fine.
Stop checking on them, too. In a study of people after a breakup, keeping an eye on an ex's Facebook page went with more distress and longing, and with less growth afterwards, even once the breakup itself was taken into account. It's a link, and it's about exes, but the mute button costs nothing.
If you do need to think it through, try watching from a distance, as if you were a fly on the wall, and asking why it happened. Early studies found that it lowered the sting, though one attempt to repeat them failed, and the debate over that failure went on. It costs nothing to try. The fly has no opinion.
If it keeps flooding back when you don't want it, disturbs your sleep, or you're avoiding places and people months later, that may be more than a grudge. It's worth talking it through with a qualified professional, and no article can do that job.
5. Move
Walk it off, and not in the way you think. Releasing Anger has the punching-bag test, in which those who hit it with the offender in mind came out angriest. So go for the walk and think about something else. It gives the body somewhere to go, and it doesn't feed the film.
6. Set the boundary
If the person is still in your life, letting go doesn't mean signing up for more. Say clearly what you will and won't accept, once you've calmed down. Then keep to it, because a boundary you don't keep is only a suggestion. Nedra Glover Tawwab's covers how to do it without a fight.
If an apology does come, you can judge it. In two experiments with 755 people, written apologies worked best when they contained more of six elements: regret, an explanation, taking responsibility, repentance, an offer to repair things, and a request for forgiveness. Taking responsibility counted most, and an offer to repair came next. Asking for forgiveness counted least. "Sorry if you were upset" has none of them.
Sometimes the honest answer is to see them less, or not at all. And if they want back in, How to Build Trust in a Relationship, linked below, has why it's for them to earn over time, and why they don't get to decide when you should be over it.
7. Use what it taught you
You'll read that a grudge is a stepping stone and that it made you stronger. It may not have. Bad things don't always improve us, and you don't owe anyone a happy ending.
But it probably taught you something specific. Maybe it taught you to get things in writing, to speak up sooner, or that you ignored the first warning. Take that, and leave the rest. Then give the hours you spent rehearsing to something of your own.
If the grudge is against yourself
Sometimes the person you can't forgive is you. The same steps apply: name it, try the other story, and make what amends you can. Why Your Brain Sabotages You Every Time You Try to Start has the students whose self-forgiveness after one exam meant less delay before the next, and a better result. How to Silence Your Inner Critic When It Won't Shut Up has the difference between going over what happened and beating yourself up with it.
Put it down
You can't control what they did, or whether they'll ever understand it. You can decide how long it gets to run in your head. Some of this will take a week and some of it will take years, and a few things you may never forgive. That's allowed.
This week, pick the grudge you've carried longest and write the other person's version of it in five lines. You don't have to believe a word of it. Just see how it reads.
Is the anger still hot? Releasing Anger: Letting Go of the Burning Coal — what anger does to the body, why letting it out backfires, calming down first, and forgiveness if and when.
Thinking of letting them back in? How to Build Trust in a Relationship: 12 Proven Ways That Actually Work — what rebuilding takes, and why it can't be rushed.
Know someone still rehearsing a speech from ten years ago? Send them this, and let them keep the best line.
Disclaimer: This article is general information. For advice about your own health, talk to a qualified health professional. If someone is threatening or hurting you, contact the emergency services or a local support line.
Affiliate Disclosure: This article contains affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, All For Life earns from qualifying purchases, at no extra cost to you. We only link to products we would recommend without the commission.
Sources
Wiktionary. grudge. en.wiktionary.org
Baumeister RF, Stillwell A, Wotman SR (1990). Victim and perpetrator accounts of interpersonal conflict: Autobiographical narratives about anger. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 59(5):994–1005. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.59.5.994
vanOyen Witvliet C, Ludwig TE, Vander Laan KL (2001). Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: implications for emotion, physiology, and health. Psychological Science 12(2):117–123. doi.org/10.1111/1467-9280.00320
Toussaint LL, Owen AD, Cheadle A (2012). Forgive to Live: Forgiveness, Health, and Longevity. Journal of Behavioral Medicine 35(4):375–386. doi.org/10.1007/s10865-011-9362-4
Wikipedia. Hatfield–McCoy feud. en.wikipedia.org
Carlsmith KM, Wilson TD, Gilbert DT (2008). The paradoxical consequences of revenge. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 95(6):1316–1324. doi.org/10.1037/a0012165
Bushman BJ (2002). Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame? Catharsis, rumination, distraction, anger, and aggressive responding. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 28(6):724–731. doi.org/10.1177/0146167202289002
Krizan Z, Hisler G (2019). Sleepy anger: restricted sleep amplifies angry feelings. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General 148(7):1239–1250. doi.org/10.1037/xge0000522
Finkel EJ, Slotter EB, Luchies LB, et al. (2013). A Brief Intervention to Promote Conflict Reappraisal Preserves Marital Quality Over Time. Psychological Science 24(8):1595–1601. doi.org/10.1177/0956797612474938
Association for Psychological Science. 21 Minutes to Marital Satisfaction. psychologicalscience.org
Wikipedia. West Nickel Mines School shooting. en.wikipedia.org
Wikipedia. Nelson Mandela. en.wikipedia.org
Wikipedia. James Gregory (prison officer). en.wikipedia.org
Wade NG, Hoyt WT, Kidwell JEM, Worthington EL (2014). Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: A meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 82(1):154–170. doi.org/10.1037/a0035268
Harper Q, Worthington EL, Griffin BJ, et al. (2014). Efficacy of a Workbook to Promote Forgiveness: A Randomized Controlled Trial With University Students. Journal of Clinical Psychology 70(12):1158–1169. doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22079
Everett Worthington. Steps to REACH Forgiveness and to Reconcile. evworthington-forgiveness.com
Richmond Magazine. A Divine Test. richmondmagazine.com
Luchies LB, Finkel EJ, McNulty JK, Kumashiro M (2010). The doormat effect: When forgiving erodes self-respect and self-concept clarity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 98(5):734–749. doi.org/10.1037/a0017838
McNulty JK (2011). The Dark Side of Forgiveness: The Tendency to Forgive Predicts Continued Psychological and Physical Aggression in Marriage. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 37(6):770–783. doi.org/10.1177/0146167211407077
Cilliers J, Dube O, Siddiqi B (2016). Reconciling after civil conflict increases social capital but decreases individual well-being. Science 352(6287):787–794. doi.org/10.1126/science.aad9682
Marshall TC (2012). Facebook Surveillance of Former Romantic Partners: Associations with PostBreakup Recovery and Personal Growth. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking 15(10):521–526. doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2012.0125
Wimalaweera SW, Moulds ML (2008). Processing memories of anger-eliciting events: The effect of asking 'why' from a distance. Behaviour Research and Therapy 46(3):402–409. doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2007.12.006
Ayduk O, Kross E (2009). Asking 'why' from a distance facilitates emotional processing: A reanalysis of Wimalaweera and Moulds (2008). Behaviour Research and Therapy 47(1):88–92. doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2008.06.014
Lewicki RJ, Polin B, Lount RB (2016). An Exploration of the Structure of Effective Apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research 9(2):177–196. doi.org/10.1111/ncmr.12073
The Ohio State University. The 6 Elements of an Effective Apology, According to Science. news.osu.edu