Self-love advice often comes down to two things: a bath and a mirror. Light a candle, tell your reflection you're worthy, and wait for the glow. The candle's fine. The mirror is where it can go wrong. The trap is ancient: in Ovid's telling, Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection in a pool and wasted away beside it.
Feeling brilliant about yourself all the time is a shaky thing to aim for. High self-esteem of that kind rises and falls with every compliment, mistake and comparison. What holds up better is quieter. People who treated themselves with kindness had a steadier sense of their own worth than people who rated themselves well, compared themselves to others less, and were just as happy. Fittingly, the link with narcissism belonged to high self-esteem alone.
Chasing self-esteem has a price, too. When your sense of worth hangs on succeeding, every threat to it pulls your attention away from learning and from the people around you, and over time it wears on your health. The quick lift of a win is real. So is the bill that comes later.
Is self-love selfish?
It's the first worry, and the evidence points the other way. In 104 couples, people who were kinder to themselves were described by their partners as more affectionate and accepting, and less controlling or verbally aggressive. Self-compassion predicted good behaviour in the relationship better than self-esteem did. Being on your own side seems to leave more room to be on someone else's.
1. Treat yourself like a friend
"Compassion" comes from the Latin compati, to suffer with. Self-compassion means staying with yourself when things hurt, and talking to yourself the way you'd talk to a friend who's having a hard time. Kindness with honesty in it, minus the cheerleading and the excuses.
It's tougher than it sounds. After failing a test, people who were encouraged to go easy on themselves studied longer for the next one than people given a boost about how clever they were. Harshness feels like motivation. Kindness works better.
It matters most when life falls apart. Divorcing adults who talked about their separation with more self-compassion were troubled less by painful thoughts about it in daily life, and the difference was still there nine months later.
And it can be learned. People who took an eight-week course in self-compassion became kinder to themselves and felt better than people who waited for a later course, and the change was still there a year on. The group was small, but the direction is encouraging. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer, who designed that course, turned it into , so you can work through it at home.
Next time you mess up, ask what you'd say to a friend in the same spot, and say it to yourself.
2. Change how you talk to yourself, carefully
Kindness sets the tone. The words matter too, and this is where the mirror habit goes. The usual advice is to replace "I'm not good enough" with "I am capable, worthy and deserving of love." For people with low self-esteem, the ones it's aimed at, repeating a line like that can leave them feeling worse. The mind argues back, and wins.
Smaller words do more. Swap the grand statement for a believable one: "I'm getting better at this." Talk to yourself by name, the way a coach would. Or write a few lines about something you value and why it matters, before facing the thing that scares you.
Next time you catch "I'm useless", answer it with something you can believe: "I got that one wrong, and I'll fix it."
3. Look after the body you live in
Self-love gets tested at the mirror in another way, too: how you look. Women who listened to self-compassion meditations for three weeks felt less dissatisfied with and less ashamed of their bodies, and appreciated them more, than women on a waiting list. The change held three months later.
Caring for your body matters as much as seeing it kindly. Loving yourself is hard on four hours' sleep and a diet of whatever was nearest. Even small night-to-night losses of sleep predicted more anxiety the next day. Adults who did about two and a half hours of brisk walking a week had a quarter less risk of depression than inactive adults.
Feed yourself proper food, built around real meat, fish and eggs, and make water your main drink. The sugar rush is a myth. Sugar and other carbs gave mood no lift at any point, and within the hour people felt more tired and less alert.
Pick the weakest of the three, sleep, movement or food, and fix one thing about it this week.
4. Set boundaries
Saying yes to everything is a quiet way of telling yourself your time is worth less than everyone else's. A boundary is the line between what you'll carry and what you'll hand back.
Turning someone down feels riskier than it is. People who turned down an invitation expected the person who asked to be angrier, and less likely to ask again, than that person turned out to be.
Watch the yeses you give to next month, too. People expect to have more spare time in the future than they have now, so a request for later is easy to accept and hard to keep. A useful test: would you still say yes if it were tomorrow?
The next time you feel resentment building, ask what you agreed to without wanting to. That's where the boundary goes. Nedra Glover Tawwab's has the words for saying it without a long apology.
5. Count your small wins
Progress feeds motivation. When people kept daily diaries at work, making headway on something meaningful lifted their mood more than anything else in the day. Setbacks did the most damage.
At the end of each day, write down one thing you moved forward, however small.
6. Practise gratitude
People who wrote down a few things they were grateful for each week felt more positive, were more optimistic about the week ahead and exercised more than people who listed hassles.
The bigger lift comes from saying it to someone. Writing a letter of thanks to someone who'd been kind, then delivering it in person, left people happier and less low for a month, the biggest boost of the five exercises tested.
Three lines at the end of the week. Things, people, moments. Specific beats general. Then, once, write the letter and deliver it. One sturdy can hold this list and your small wins from tip 5.
7. Make time for what you enjoy
Hobbies are more than a reward for finishing your to-do list. People who were in the middle of a leisure activity had better moods, less stress and lower heart rates than at other moments of the same day.
Put one thing you love doing in the diary this week, the way you'd book an appointment.
8. Give your mind some quiet
Mindfulness programmes eased anxiety and low mood a little, and the effect lasted for months. It's one tool among several, and you can start with five minutes.
Sit, breathe, and when your mind wanders, bring it back. The returning is the practice.
9. Choose your company
The people around you shape how you see yourself. Spend more time with those who leave you steadier than they found you, and less with those who need you to stay small.
Your company includes your feed. Students who cut their social media to about half an hour a day for three weeks became less lonely and less depressed than students who carried on as usual. Endless comparison is hard to win.
List the five people you see most, and the five accounts you scroll past most. Notice how you feel after each one.
10. Ask for help when it's heavy
Sometimes self-love needs a second pair of hands. If you've felt low for weeks, stopped enjoying things you used to, or had thoughts of harming yourself, reach out for help today. Talking to someone trained to help is a way of looking after yourself.
Love that holds up
Oscar Wilde gave the line to Lord Goring in 1895: "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." It's a favourite on posters and mugs. On stage, Goring is a dandy fussing over his buttonhole, and the next stage direction reads: looking at himself in the glass. The self-love worth having looks less like that and more like the way you treat yourself on an ordinary bad day: kindly, honestly, and with the basics covered.
Start with one of the ten this week. The kindest place to start is the first: next time you slip, talk to yourself like a friend would. Leave the mirror to Narcissus, and to Lord Goring.
Is the voice in your head the harshest critic you know? How to Silence Your Inner Critic When It Won't Shut Up — what the inner critic is and how to answer it.
Saying yes when you mean no? 5 Types of Boundaries for Healthier, Happier Relationships — the five kinds of boundary and how to set one that holds.
Know someone who's kind to everyone but themselves? Send them this. Then ask them what they'd say to a friend in their spot.
Disclaimer: This article is general information. For advice about your own health, talk to a qualified health professional. If your mood has been low for weeks or you're having thoughts of harming yourself, reach out for help today.
Affiliate Disclosure: This article contains affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, All For Life earns from qualifying purchases, at no extra cost to you. We only link to products we would recommend without the commission.
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